Intuitive John

Happiness or Satisfaction? When Good Enough Is Your Best Choice

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 09:11:02 -0700

Do You Believe That Being Passionate Every Waking Moment Is The Only Way To Live?

There's the saying that floats around...Do What You Love...And The Money Will Follow.

Or it's corollary...You Have To Love What You Do To Be Successful At It

Both of these can be recipes for discontent...unhappiness...and the killer paradox...I'm not happy and I'm Not Successful...What's wrong with me!

First of all...you can't be passionate every moment.

Passion by it's very definition is transient. It doesn't last.

Interest lasts. Involvement lasts. Commitment has the power to add longevity to your endeavors by keeping you playing the game even when you're down.

But full blown...heads over heels passion can't sustain itself.

Think of lovemaking. Can it go on for hours? You may want it to. But how many times has it really happened?

Now...I will give you this...the root of what you're doing may be a passion. That's true.

Does Your Passion Have To Be Noble? The PETA Prognosis

So many people are in search of "meaning" that they feel their passion has to be some giant contribution to society or the world or environment.

It has to be "bigger than themselves".

In many cases that's substituting "importance" for "meaning".

In a sideways attempt to be important to themselves...and see themselves as seen as important...they hide it under the guise of "meaningful".

Now don't get me wrong...I happen to think it's important to be important. I think it's okay to be accepted and honored and respected by other people. It's a basic human need...being recognized as important to your tribe.

The pain comes from making something important to you...that's not.

Or putting someone else idea of what's important and critical ahead of your own.

For instance...I'm sure their are some people who are members of PETA who are really offended by the treatment of animals. But to me most members (and how many are there exactly...besides Pamela Anderson) it's a fashion statement. Easily recognizable. Easily identifiable. Kinda glamorous.

But does anything they do really make much difference...in your life...or the lives of animals?

Not really.

Your job is important to you.

Your mate is important to you.

Making enough money to live comfortably and have friends and feed your family is important to you.

That's real.

That's important.

So why would you want to make those things seem any less important than they really are?

Happiness Or Satisfaction- Which is More Important

My point...if the quest for Happiness is a driven quest...you won't ever settle for less...it's Happiness Or Nothing At All (which sounds funny...but think of all the miserable people you know who are constantly "fighting for something they say they believe in...but they're miserable)...then you're doomed to being unhappy.

It's like the quest for the perfect body. You can exercise all you want...change what you eat all you want...get all the plastic surgery you want...but your body will never be perfect. Even the supposedly most gorgeous women...the supermodels...may be admired by many...but you read about their body image issues, don't you?

Maybe being Happy is felt in the moment.

Maybe being satisfied with the way things are is a foundation to Happiness. (Maybe not...but being dissatisfied is surely not the route to being happy.)

There's a difference between "being" happy and "feeling" happy.

Most people when they talk about happiness are talking about the feeling.

They want to "feel" wonderful. They want to be free of pain...of doubts.....of conflicting thoughts. To them it's a state of calm...or peace of mind.

That type of feeling never lasts very long.

But "being" happy in many cases. That means you can be happy even in the midst of the conflicts and doubts.
That comes about in many ways...but usually some sort of mind control...thought change...or belief.

The two states may be different. But they're both real.

There are people who will take the position that only one of these is true and real. And the other is false and you're just deluding yourself.

My experience is they are both real.

Laying on the beach...in the warm sun...among good friends. That is feeling happy.

Being in the middle of a problem or conflict at work or at home...may not feel happy...but you can be happy knowing you have a way to work through it...it won't last...and that calm will return. That's a kind of happiness too...isn't it?

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Letting Go Series Part 6 The Difference Between Unsolved Problems and Unfinished Problems

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:01:26 -0800

Letting Go Series Part 6 The Difference Between Unsolved Problems and Unfinished Problems (Or Solutions) And how letting go differs between men and women

Can You Let Go Of Problems You Haven't Solved?

How often do you feel like you are searching for an answer...only to find yourself staring into a blank wall?

I mean, you try...and try...and try. But no real answer comes up?

Part of the confusion is you mix up two very different things.

The first thing you want to do is "Solve The Problem".

This is where you come up with an answer. It might not be perfect. But it will work.

Then you need to Fix The Problem With Action.

Many people get stalled...then annoyed...then frustrated because they're looking for the "one road" or "one answer". And it has be to be "Optimum" That's like asking for mental water boarding. You torture yourself

You're trying to come up with actions...before you even have an answer. .

Optimum Solutions Vs. Optimal Solutions

There are very few Optimum Solutions. That means everything is perfect.

But there are lots of Optimal Solutions...where there are good choices...but not every part of the choice is perfect.

There's an old saying in the construction industry. (Come to think of it, it can be applied to many industries...or situations.)

Your choices are 1) Low Price, 2) High Quality and 3) Have it fast.

Your Dilemma.

You can have two of the three.

But not all three.

Getting High Quality Fast (Rush...rush) is not cheap. I must have this by ...when....

Getting High Quality and a Low Price...takes some time. Takes some patience. "Isn't that guy ever going to come back and finish?" Or "He's the best...we should give him the time he needs."

Getting Low Quality.. getting it fast...you can get low price. That's like "fast food". Or the cheap carpet job you end up paying three times as much for because it was never done right in the first place.

For some reason the song by Meat Loaf comes to my mind "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

His choices for Love Relationships?

"I Want You...
I Need You...
But I'm Never Going to Love You...

Don't Be Sad...Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".

The point is...you always have to "give" somewhere.

Don't Confuse "Solving The Problem" With "Taking Action To Fix The Problem"

Solving the Problem is the first step.

You have to finish by taking steps to solve the problem.

When people try to solve a problem...most let their ideas run fast and furious into their brain...they mix in the action steps with the problem solving.

Huh?

For example.

Problem 1: I'm Hungry

Solution: Eat.

Easy enough.

"Eat" is the solution.

Fairly simple.

But that leads to what?....

The mental gyrations of figuring out the next step!

What do I eat?
Where do I eat?
When Do I Eat?
Do I Go Out To A Restaurant?
Do I Cook At Home?
Do I Have What I Need To Cook At Home?
Will it cost too much if I eat out...my budget is tight...I deserve it...I'll spend less on lunch tomorrow...
I want Chinese...I crave Chinese...but I already had Chinese twice last week...that's boring to have it again...that looks stupid if I eat the same thing again...I have to eat different....
There's to many calories in the food I want...but I want it!
This is to much trouble. I think I just won't eat anything.

Do you see what's happening here?

A simple decision get complicated by so many choices. And the confusion leads to "Doing Nothing At All"

Competing Desires and Confusion

The difficulty is not having Competing Desires.

We all have them

The difficulty comes from letting those desires battle it out instead of controlling them.

If you let your desires run free in your head...you'll always lose.

The steps to help you make up your mind.

Like John Sebastian in the Loving Spoonful sang...Did You Ever Had To Make Up Your Mind... (link to the song being played for those who remember it's lyrics..Mmmm)

"Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Pick up on one and leave the other one behind
It's not often easy, and not often kind
Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Did you ever have to finally decide?
Say yes to one and let the other one ride"

First Step: Admit that you have competing desires.

Trying to choose one desire over the other without admitting you really want them both puts you into a fast game of tennis...smashing the ball from one side to the other...but in your brain.

So admit you want them both.

Just admitting that...you might see that the conflict is not that strong. And the better choice is obvious.

Often the "better choice" is the one that makes you happier.

Second Step: See If You Can Have Both The Desires...or all the desires.

Write them down. See what your desires really are. And see if you can have them both...or most of them.

A lot of times you find you can.

If you have a lot of desires...write them all down.

What will become apparent (if you're not some spoiled brat) is a lot of your desires aren't that important. But you're letting all of them... circulate in your head... all at once...and give them all equal time and equal importance. That's undisciplined thinking.

Third Step: Define Your Desires...and let them compete with each other.

You want to move.

What are your desires?

1) You want a house with a big yard...
2) It has to be a good school zone...even if you don't have kids. You might someday.
3) You can afford it...which means you can afford the payments and upkeep without sacrificing to much. Right.
4) You want to make sure you don't overpay...the market may drop more...it may not...but you want to be sure.
5) You want something "nice"...that means nicer than other people...but not to much nicer.
6) You want something you can "grow" into. You only have one or two kids right now...but who knows?
7) You want something bigger than you can afford...but maybe your parents can give you an advance on your inheritance?...or you can find another client...you can find something extra somewhere...
8) Am I still going to be with my wife/husband in five years...so is this to big of a commitment.

Mid Article Exercise: Think of anything else here. Your daughters first date. You're daughters wedding. Which college do you pick. How soon do you start dating after divorce.

The Point Is...you have a lot of different desires here.

It may be a matter of money that holds you back. It may not be.

Men and women will differ here..Letting Go takes a different course with each .

Women want to make everything cozy...make everybody comfortable...no conflict.

So they will go crazy trying to make everything work together.

It takes them a lot longer to learn to Let Go of the "pieces" of the puzzle.

And they'll fight to the end to keep it all together.

Men don't like to give up their desires either.

But they will be more practical about it.

They may play around and try to accommodate the women in their life. But they want to be more practical.

They have their own emotions involved. But their emotions don't rule as often.

They can Let Go easier and faster if they have a target or goal in mind.

Step Four: Know The Difference Between A Desire and A Need..There Isn't Any!

Trick Step here.

There is almost no difference between a desire and a need. Or a want and a need.

The Psychologists...The Philosophers...The Economists...The Rationalists....the Economic Atheists.

All of them have zillions of words arguing over the difference between the difference between a want...a need...and a desire.

But it's all Academic.

When you want something...you need it.

That simple.

Don't let any of the the purists or Eco pharisees tell you different.

All they want to do is layer their beliefs on you...and force you to adopt their brand of of belief.

I saw an article in the Wall Street Journal where a guest column is called buying luxury goods a "vice".

Since when?

What I wanted to ask the guest writer was... "What are your vices?"

She, being a purist, would probably say none...and defend every choice she has made in some version of Orwell Double Speak.

But we both know we could ferret them out. Right?

My personal philosophy is Live and Let Live...and if I can afford it...and want it...I can get it. Simple really.

Step 5: Try On Some Rules To Direct Your Desires

There's a level of terror associated with having a divided mind.

And Letting Go is not always the first choice.

But it is a good Direction for you to travel in.

Because once you master Letting Go...the decision paths you take get more "grooved in"...more natural..and much less of a struggle.

The effort behind Starting and Finishing is very different.

It's like learning to surf.

At first, you struggle just to get out into the ocean. That's the same as you learn that you are struggling all the time...you actually see it. Before it was just a sense of tension and anxiety. Now you see you are really struggling all the time.

Then you struggle to ride the wave. It's pushing you around. There's a lot of power there. And you haven't tamed it. That's like you realizing the force of your random thoughts can be controlled by will...eventually...but you're going to be tossed around...and wipe out a lot...before you master it.

Finally you learn to ride the wave. It's a strong force... you learn not to fight it...but to ride it to wherever you want to go. That's where you learn to master Letting Go when you have to. You can direct many things...but not all.

You can dip your toes into Learning How To Let Go with a few guidelines.

If you have conflicting desires...and you feel a compulsion to follow one (or some) that you know aren't the best choice for you...but you can't seem to resist it...try these ideas.

For example...you want to go out to an extravagant dinner...but also want to stay home and save your money for the future...and invest time in yourself to become a better person.

1) Learn The Power of Ignoring. You don't always have to act.

2) Set An Artificial Measure To Postpone Action. Whenever you're unsure of an action...postpone it. Set a time limit. "I will not make any major decisions for 24 hours when they come up"...or..."Any impulse I have to spend money over $500 has to wait for 24 hours".

3) Cave In To Your Desire. Not all desires or impulses are bad. Go ahead and buy that book. Or whatever. I can't go to an outdoor art show of any quality without buying something. So I don't fight it. I enjoy it.

4) You Can Choose To Fight it Out...or Surrender. If something is bothering you a lot...and you know it...and you keep doing it over and over...maybe it's time for you to stand up to it. To fight it out. Or Surrender.

If you choose to fight...and often you have to...recognize that one fight may not be enough. Old habits change slowly. But it is also your first step forward...and committing to change.

5) Just say "Screw It" You don't always have to "Do It" You can also say screw it....Don't exaggerate bad influence in your life. They probably aren't as bad as you think.

Thanks,

Intuitive John

Learn How To Live With Peace of Mind...All The Time!

If You're Dog Is Nervous and Anxious All The Time...What Are You Waiting For...??

PS The 4th Leg Of The Triangle...Wanting to Pay The Most...Wanting To Wait...Wanting the Highest Quality.

There's the story about when Arnold Schwarzenegger(now Governor of California) first came to the United States. He couldn't speak English very well. He had no skills to speak of. Even his body building sponsor at the time, Joe Weider, wouldn't pay all his bills.

He needed to make some money. He was the stereotypical poor immigrant working his way up. He knew how to lay brick. He and Lou Ferringo (another body builder who was the original Hulk on TV) went into the brick laying business. 1975 or so?

A bricklayer didn't make a lot. He's a laborer. Put one brick down...get paid a nickel.

But...a brick designer...someone who consulted with you..."designed" the patio...had an exotic accent...worth 100 times as much.

And it worked.

He gave people skill...and execution...and an exotic story to go with it.

That's the Fourth Leg Of The Triangle.

I Want It All..And Can Pay for it.

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If You Really "Let Go"...Then What??? Letting Go Series Part 4

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:03:31 -0800

Are You Lost...or Just Stuck?

Do you want to predict the future?
Do you want to control the future?
Do you hesitate sometimes...not really sure what will happen.

What if you could act without worrying about these things?

Why do you procrastinate?

Why do you make up mind one moment...and then change it the next?

One day you're ready to make an offer on the the house...the next day, you're not.
I love the house...it's perfect...it's time to move...settle my family in...BUT is it the right time...the market?...will I be happy here?

One day you're going to start a new business to give you freedom in the future...the next day NO WAY!
I love the idea of freedom...I'm compelled to make more money and have more security...life won't change unless I do...BUT...is this the right time...is this the right path...it won't hurt to wait a little bit...Fred tried it and look what happened to him...

One day you're going to change the color of your hair...the next day...mmmm...maybe not.
I like my hair the way it is...but I've had it for so long...will Susie like it...is short in...I wonder if I can get an appointment...will I have to tip her more because it's a new style for me...what if she doesn't understand what I'm looking for and I hate it...I can't wear a hat forever!

The core of delay comes from uncertainty..

When you don't make a decision...and you whipsaw back and forth from the uncertainty...you get exhausted.

And here's the rub.

You have all the information. You've thought it through. Planned. Figured most of it out.

But you're stuck. You may even be paralyzed into inaction.

What Can You Do To Get Unstuck?

You already "Know The Answer" You probably made it early on.

But you've overloaded your mind with so much information...and colored it with so much emotion...it can't make a clear decision. You're not giving it any breathing room.

You're in a vicious cycle.

You have a choice to make.

Step 1: You don't make a decision.
Step 2: You add "MORE INFORMATION!". You disguise it as "You'll be better prepared"
Step 3: Ooops. Adding more info only raised the confusion.
Step 4: So you don't make the decision...you add more info...you get more confused.

Sound familiar?

Have you tried "Letting Go" of the problem?

I don't mean you don't care any more. Though that may be possible...and favorable.

What I mean is Mentally Releasing yourself from the negative side of your questions and problems. What I mean is clearing out enough space in your mind so you can think and act clearly.

Your mind can be compared to a cluttered closet like my friend Jennifer Skinner talks about. (She talks about the Closet...not the Mind!)

If you have to much stuff in your closet...you can't see what your choices are.

If you have to much stuff in your closet...it's crammed so full you have to fight to get into it.

If you have to much stuff in your closet...it's cluttered...unsightly...you waste a lot of time...you have to many choices...and you don't wear a lot of it anyway

That's the way your mind is. Crammed full of useless stuff.

So you can begin adding some balance and peace of mind to your life by learning to Let Go.

Three More Ways To Let Go of Your Negative Thoughts, Powerless Actions and Anxiety

#1 Ignore the Problem

That might sound weird. But it works.

It works better for guys than girls. We know from experience many things work themselves out.

Many women have a hard time ignoring "problems". Their empty emotional space fills itself with worry.

The laws of the Physical World and the Mind World are different.

In the Mind World...Effort Defeats Itself.

Put another way...the more you try to force an answer...the harder it is to decide. It doesn't leave room for other, unexpected options to show up.

So by ignoring it...by letting go of it ( At least the top thing in your mind) the more time you're Intuitive Mind has to work things through.

Leaving things alone lets time have it chance for things to heal themselves.

For instance, I had an employee problem the other day. Part attitude. Part performance. Part distraction. Slipping up on the job when usually right on. Been happening for a while. Now at a point where it needed some attention.

I was in a low mood. My mind said I should step in an "fix it". "It's my right. I'm the Boss! It's my job!" Right

By the way...you can't trust your Mind very much when you're in a Low or Bad Mood. When you're in a bad mood everything becomes critical...everything becomes important...and has to be solved right now! Bad idea. Terrible idea.

And I knew that.

So I stepped back...and gave it a chance to fix itself.

The guy working for me came to me two days later...brought it up himself...and had fixed it himself. Problem solved. No fuss. No muss. No emotional angst on my part.

Have you ever had the compulsion to tell your best friend something. It's important. It seems urgent. But somethings holding you back.

You don't say anything. And it turns out you're glad you didn't?

Your Intuitive Mind knows "The Need"

It's waiting for the Right Time.

That's not procrastination...That's timing.

#2 The Letting Go List - Escaping The Whirlwind of Indecision

Most of the anxiety around Letting Go comes when you are trying to make too many decisions at once.

No matter how smart you think you are...you're mind can only work on one thing at a time.

It may seem like you're working on more. But your thoughts are jumping around...back and forth...like popcorn.

Research show you collect information in your long term memory circuits.

But Conscious Decision Making happens in your Short Term memory.

That's like the RAM of your brain.

It can only hold so much. Research shows maybe 3 or 4 things for a very short period of time. Mostly 1 or 2.

Example:

You're trying to remember a phone number...Thought 1.

A friend calls over to you...Thought 2

You are concentrating on finding a pencil...Thought 3

Boom...your forgot the phone number.

So by letting go of all the thoughts in your mind...all the decisions...all the concerns...you free up your mind to find the decision that has to be made right now.

If you don't have much experience, I suggest you start out by writing down everything you're Letting Go of.

Just start writing down what's on your mind.

For example...

"I'm Letting Go Of..."

Applying for new job
Needing to finish this report.
Wondering where I'm going Saturday night.
Writing my blog.
Trying to get out work early
Feeling guilty that I didn't run this morning
Wondering if I left anybody off my Christmas card list?
Was I paid for that last article I wrote
How should I price this today?
Did I mistake a mistake last week by having this guy try to fix my computer?
Wondering when I should leave for Christmas?
10 Million More Things.......

This represents about 3 seconds worth of uncontrolled thinking.

Start writing. You'll know when to stop.

The Science Of The Letting Go List- Some Tips

1) Some thoughts are statements.

Statements are often accompanied by emotions. Quick judgments might come up. That's fine. But don't dwell on them.

This is Letting Go...not Digging Deeper.

2) Some thoughts come out as questions. Should you answer them?

What you'll find is when you write the questions down...the answers will become obvious. You are opening a doorway for your Intuition. Otherwise, don't spend any time right trying to answer a complicated question. That's what got you into this mess.

3) Writing Vs. Thinking - Which works best?

If you are new to Letting Go...write.

Overtime as you get more practice...thinking can be used as a quick stop gap when the mind is whirling away.

If the mind is out of control...Go directly to writing.

4) Should I Write Out "I'm Letting Go" before each statement?

It can be helpful if your mind is moving too fast.

By writing it down before each thought...it slows your thoughts down by slowing your hands down. Slowing yourself physically can slow yourself mentally at the same time.

However, if you want to Purge your thoughts...just write them down as fast as they come. It doesn't even matter if you can read what you wrote

You can get fancy if you want. Turn the preface into an Affirmation or Prayer type thought.

"I'm Letting Go of all my troubles, cares and disturbing thoughts...and letting the Universe take on the burden of my cares..."

Try one different techniques.

You'll also find that different styles can fit different moods.

With more practice, you'll naturally slip into the writing pattern that fits your mood and problems at the time.

#3 The Golden Key Method - Stop Thinking About The Particular Problem

The Golden Key is a method of Substitution. You exchange the the thoughts that are bothering you with other thoughts.

Instead of thinking about a particular problem...Say to yourself...I am Golden Keying (this problem, this person, this event) and then think of
a Neutral thought. If your Spiritually or Religiously inclined...turn that thought over to God. You see the slogan...Let Go and Let God? That's the same thing.

The trick is so stop thinking about what's on your mind.

And then leaving it behind.

Three little tips.

1) Ignore the thought it if it tries to sneak back in.
2) Once may not be enough. That's fine. Just keep Golden Keying it.
3) Don't try to solve the problem That's technically Underlining The Problem and not really turning it over.

In a way, this is an Conscious/Awake and Aware style of meditation. Pretty advanced stuff.

If you have ever meditated, you know that all kinds of thoughts try to intrude on your mind when you are clearing it out. In fact, the more you try to clear out...or calm your mind...the faster the thoughts try to stream in. Especially if you are new to Meditation.

Thoughts are like Advertising. You can see hundreds or thousands of images a day and you filter them out automatically.

But if you're ready to buy a new car, all of a sudden car ads start popping up everywhere. You're inviting them in. So it seems like there's more of them...thought they were always there.

It's not "more thoughts". It's awareness is going up. (More Cowbell!)

I'm not saying you won't do those things. I'm saying it clears your mind out.

The practice here is not avoiding action. Though you may not take action...it comes from a clear mind...not confusion and anxiety.

The result you're looking for here is Clearing Out Your Mind.

It's like the Athlete who talks about "Being In The Zone"

When you're in the Zone...everything looks clear...it's easier to make decisions...the difference between important and unimportant events is obvious...and you aren't thinking about taking action...you're just acting in a flow where everything works together.

Learning How To Let Go is one of the first step in being able to put yourself into the Zone at will.

It might sound weird at first...but the more you practice it...the more you'll see it's true.

Thanks,

Intuitive John

Do You Want To Learn How To Live With A Peaceful Mind All The Time?

Is Your Dog Nervous and Anxious All The Time...and You Want to Help?

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The Letting Go Series Part 3 Intuition, Loneliness and Isolation

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:11:53 -0800

Do You Feel Like You Never Fit In?

Do you feel like you never fit in?

Or you used to "fit in"...but now don't...and can't figure out why?

Do your doubts...and insecurities...and uncertainties ever overwhelm you?

And did you ever say, "I wish there was just one person who could understand what I'm going through...and would listen to me...without judgment....without criticism...without condemning me...and just be an unconditional support"

Affection Is More Important Than Love

There is Loneliness. Loneliness is feeling apart. You can be in a crowd...and still don't feel like like you belong.

There is Being Alone. That's actually being apart. That's where you're physically alone...you're actually isolated...alone on the couch eating ice cream...and not being around other people.

In the modern world there seems to be less and less connection with other people. And that lack of connection shows up in many ways...from maladjusted mindsets...to a feeling of underlying insecurity in every area of your life.

You may not agree...but I believe you need to be "connected" and dependent on other people in order to get the most satisfying feelings out of life.

You can be successful without being "connected"

But you can't be consistently happy without being connected. The "connection" may be love...it may often be hate...but you have to feel connected some how.

Types of Connection

1) Intimate Connections

Normally this would be the greatest value of marriage or long term relationships. The time you spend together...the ups and downs...grown an intimate bond that others can't see. More and more it is including your "best friend" or "closet friend". (And I'm not talking about BFF!)

2) Social and Casual Friendship Connections

This is your casual friendships...even work relationships. It gives you somebody to talk to. To listen to. Maybe they'll even listen to you. It keeps the doors open in your ability to learn more about others and the world.

Some people would criticize the casual or shallow relationship. They don't believe in 'small talk'. To them everything has to be serious or consequential.

I would disagree. You can't make it to the Intimate Connection without the Casual Connections First. Intimacy is earned over time.

3) Collective Connections:

This is your attachment to the place you live...the country...the world. Shared interests and the common bonds of being part of the "human race" Identifying with something bigger than yourself. But much of that common bond has disappeared.

Now it's "I'm a Republican" or "I'm a Democrat" Or what football team you love. Or even Oprah. Widespread but identification is not connection.

The Codependency Crisis-Why It's A Crock

Should you be connected to people?

It may not matter to you.

Or you may say it doesn't matter to you.

I'm reminded of the whole "Co Dependency" Crowd. Every little thing you do wrong...or ask of another person...becomes an attack of "You're A Codependent." Or "You're Being Codependent"

That whole thing has gotten out of control in my book.

You need to learn to be dependent on other people. You need to learn to be Interdependent on them. Much of the happiness in life comes from the back and forth...and ups and downs...of relationships. And they would deny you that.

This is just my opinion....but codependency grew out of a core of screwed up alcoholics (and other -aholics) trying to redefine life on their terms.

And there were a lot of them. So it became popular.

Since they couldn't get along with anyone...they made it every body's else fault. They made it wrong for you to be happy with someone. And a crime if you got along with someone unless it was somehow perfect.

They're like Buddhists...detach. Except they do it with the ferociousness of an attack dog.

That movement was fueled by people unable or unwilling to let any kind of disappointment "infect" their life. They were part of the whole "everything wrong with everybody" movement that somehow took over to define what is right and wrong with the world. They had no patience...no tolerance...and no understanding that human beings in relationships are human...full of faults and such.

So you can be Happy and Kinda Dependent
.
Or you can be Miserable...but Independent at all costs.

I choose being Interdependent on others...I'm just careful to stay away from really sick people.

So Does It Matter If You're Connected or Not?

The fact is, there are times when you need other people around you.

Being connected is one of the fundamental needs...right next to food, clothing and shelter.

If you are plagued by self doubt...having a close friend can help you through that.

Having a shoulder to cry on is a huge help.

Having someone who understands you...and will listen...is priceless. (Take that...MasterCard!)

You can figure things out on your own...but not nearly as quickly...and with a lot more suffering...than you need if you have a wise friend.

The old saying is "It is better to have loved and lost...than never to have loved at all".

I agree.

It's through those lost loves that I've been able to learned about Love.

There's another old saying by the famous football coach Vince Lombardi...."Fatigue Makes Cowards of Us All"

He was talking about when you get so bone tired when you're playing a Professional Football Game...that you become a coward...you give up..not because you're a coward at heart...but you are exhausted and can't give it any more. And so he trained his players to be the toughest players out there.

I would update that...

"Loneliness Makes Doubters of Us All"

Self Doubt is Crippling.

And without support....normal troubles turn to despair.

Connection Increases the Power of Your Intuition

When your lonely...or tired...you lose the Power of Your Intuition.

You're more likely to ignore anything your Intuition tells you. You're tired already...and if you are being led to do something out of the normal...you just don't want to fight you mind. So you ignore it.

Can you think of a time when you were really tired...and your Intuition was shouting out..."Do This"...then "Please do this!"...and you still ignored it. And wished you hadn't later?

You also lose the Power of Group Intuition when you're alone.

Have you ever been puzzled about what to do...and you're with friends...and you relax...and a answer just naturally shows up? It's part relaxation...and it's part connection. Especially if you asked the group about your problem. Their Intuitive Experiences can be feeding into your own...raising the power of your own insights.

Thanks,

Intuitive John

Do You Want To Learn To Trust Your Intuition?

Is Your Dog Nervous and Anxious All The Time?

PS There was a book by Kurt Vonnegut called "Slapshot" with a unique idea to bring a sense of instant community to the US.

There was a new President (actually co-presidents...a brother and sister) who decided they would create instant extended families across the country. They did it by assigning another last name to people randomly using social security numbers. So every 10th person would be something like Sunflower.

My name would become John Shoemaker Sunflower. And automatically everybody in the country would have millions of new relatives. Maybe not as crazy as it sounds? Distant Associations better than no associations?

PPS Maybe I never outgrew the Being A Rebel phase?

When I was growing up, in some ways I was part of the anti-establishment, rebellious ways. Really, I think all teenagers are that way...but we were louder and prouder of it?

Anyway...I adopted the I'll Do It On My Own...I'll Be Independent At All Costs! attitude. It served me well in many areas...but it took me a long time to outgrow it. It was a badge of teenage honor...but became an Albatross around my neck.

Later, I saw in the 7 Habits Of Highly Successful People that the evolution of Dependence goes from Dependence, to Independence....to Interdependence. I fought it for so long. Ouch...

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The Surrender Series - Finding the Ritual To Help You Surrender

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:56:57 -0800

Note: Today's Post In The Surrender Series was going to cover the Eight Different Styles of Surrender. It took on a different life...and length...and talks about How To Surrender By Using Rituals In Your Life. It talks about the Importance of Rituals...What Rituals You Can Use...and "The Interior Design of Rituals-How To Create Your Own Ritual or Ceremony" I'll continue more specifically on Letting Go tomorrow. Thanks, Intuitive John

The "Surrender Series" - Finding The Ritual That Suits You…or Creating Your Own

Do you know how many different ways there are to Surrender?

I’ve said that many people are told to “Surrender” or “Let Go” in their life. They are told the WHAT…but not THE HOW.

It’s not some mysterious event. Or limited to those who are somehow spiritually, emotionally or intellectually superior. It’s a fix for everyone.

It’s more familiar than you might think.

There’s an old saying…”All Roads Lead To Rome”. It comes from the time when all the roads of the Roman Empire reached out across the world. So if you wanted to go to Rome…any road would get you there.

It means that there are many paths you can take to surrender…but they all end up at the same place. So I’ve take a few of the more common or widespread activities that are a form of Surrender to show you there are lots of different approaches.

Letting Go Through Ceremony or Ritual

The most popular is New Year’s Resolutions. You say…”Enough is enough…I want to be a better person…this year I’m going to…..”

In one way it’s adding to your life. Yet the motive is “getting rid of” the past. And that’s one way of letting go.

Another is “Confession”. Most religions have some form of confession…where you bring your sins to the surface…confess them…and move forward. That’s a way of surrendering yourself by admitting to another your shortcomings…and very powerful. Just surrendering your ego enough to admit to another person anything at all is a big step forward for many people.

A third is “The Burning Bowl”. One example would be where you take all the things you want to get rid of…write them down on a piece of paper…and literally burn them up. It’s a form of commitment to leave the past behind.

Why does ceremony work?

There’s gravity to established rites. The tone gets you think about what you’re doing…what you’re giving up…and what you’re moving towards. It can be light hearted or heavy hearted. Both can work.

They’re usually not open to wide interpretation. They’re more Step-By-Step. The benefit is it removes the element of “having to figure it out”.

If you’re hyper logical, I can hear you screaming…”I will not do anything that I do not have total understanding about”. But give it a try. There’s a deeper understanding that comes from following the Ritual. Trust your Intuition that the instructions you’re following.

If you’re a perfectionist…know doubt you’re searching for the “Exactly Right Ritual”. To be fulfilled you’ll want to know what clothes to wear…make sure the moon is in it’s right phase…everything “just so”…you know what I mean.

There’s nothing wrong with that. Lots of rituals include elaborate preparations and costumes. Hello…Catholic Church…anyone.

The danger is when Pharisee-like attention to detail becomes the focus of the ritual…rather than the heart of the ritual. It defeats the purpose by focusing on form (What you’re doing) over function (What you’re accomplishing…Releasing).

Christmas time is full of Rituals.

Did you ever watch Seinfeld? George’s father Frank creates an Alternative Holiday…”Festivus…For The Rest Of Us”. A Plain Aluminum Pole replaces the Christmas Tree. Family Love…telling everyone how they disappointed you last year. And the Finale…The Feats Of Strength.

Kind of Goofy? But very freeing in its own way.

Finding The Ritual That Works Best For You

The easiest Letting Go Ritual is one you’re already familiar with.

Most people have been exposed to different ceremonies in their life…and drawn to certain activities or ceremonies they love and feel close to. It’s a very personal choice.

It might seem awkward at first. You might question if it’s authentic enough for you…”borrowing” a ritual. It’s okay. Consider it a First Step. It might fit you well. It might be perfect. It is a beginning.

Some people wonder if a Ritual is performed only in a group setting? It’s true there’s a different kind of power in group settings. But you don’t have to rely on it. Sometimes the most powerful transformations come when you are by yourself…and not distracted by anybody else

Creating Your Own Ritual – The Interior Design Of Your Personal Rituals

First of all understand, there’s nothing strange about rituals. Many people automatically consider them “evil” or “weird” because they automatically think of Pagans and Wiccans.

Not so.

Even Oprah has a page for Personal Rituals at her on line store. You can’t get much more mainstream than that.

If you don’t have a ritual you like already…you can use some that guide you like the “Ritual For Forgiveness and Letting Go” at The Campaign For Love & Forgiveness

If you are inspired to create your own Ritual, you’ll want to know the Interior Design of Rituals.

Step 1: What Is Your Sense of Timing?

Most rituals are Themed or Timed to specific times or events.

The timing of Christmas is said by some to be borrowed from the Druids of Northern England. There ceremony was actually performed on December 21…the Winter Solstice (Happens to be my Birthday) which is the shortest day of the year. It symbolized the End of the Old Year….and the beginning of the New Year. Pretty powerful timing.

It can be a time of the year...like The Winter Solstice. A Time Of Day. A season. …Are you opening yourself up to new beginnings…maybe the mornings are best.

It can be attached to Anniversaries…Holidays…Significant Events In Your Life.

Does it matter if Your Ritual is timed to the seasons

Yes and No.

We live in a modern world where a lot of the Natural Rhythms are displaced or lost. There is a sense of loss at times.

If you live in NYC and your Rituals include Fund Raising Season…or it’s Time To Go To The Hamptons for The Summer Season…accept that those are very much a part of your Life Rhythms.

Still…there is nothing like getting away into nature. Leave room for your Wild Woman Of The Woods too.

Spring is popular for Renewals…or new life and meanings. Your Birthday can be the center of your Year of Change. Don’t limit yourself.

Trust Yourself. Go inside and ask yourself “What would be best time for me”

Step 2: What Is Your Intention?

This is either the easiest thing for you to define…or the hardest.

Why?

If I asked you what you want your ceremony to accomplish…and promised that only you and I would know what the answer was…and you really believed me…you would be free to unleash your hidden wants and desires.

And do you really want to let others know what those are?

They don’t have to be dark secrets. I knew one woman whose stated goal in life was to be Rich, Powerful and Successful in business, With The Power Of Feminine Strength and Wisdom. (Come to think of it…I know a lot of women who would say that.)

But her real desire was to have a man she could Trust and Love and Marry.

That’s not dark in my book. But it was hidden.

So if you have a desire that’s hidden…maybe anchor that one in of your private ceremonies.

Step 3: Is This A Spontaneous Ritual…Or Meant To Become A Core Tradition In My Life Or Families Life?

Rituals don’t have to take a lot of thought or planning. But they can.

Your Spontaneous Ritual may turn into a Tradition…you never know.

But don’t worry about the formalities here. If you are driven to perform a ceremony…do it. If it’s meant to take on a new and longer life of it’s own…let it grow.

By the way…if it wants to grow…let it do it on it’s own. If it’s very personal…don’t try to force it on other people…or ask them about it “I’ve got this thing I’m doing and I wanted to know what you think”. Rituals that aren’t meant to be private should stay so.

Do You Have An Altar? Do You Need One/

Some people have “Altar” of sorts set up in their home. I bring this up because having an Altar in your home adds a depth of meaning and inspiration to your spontaneous ceremonies. It’s a place to focus our energy.

It can be very formal…with Statues and Sacred Objects.

It can be very informal. A Picture and A Vase Of Flowers on your windowsill in the kitchen.

The point of the Altar is not always to have a Sacred Place. But to inspire a Sacred Space…in your mind and heart. It’s a place to go to mentally…and emotionally.

Step 4: Is This A Personal Event…Or A Group Event?

We’ve already talked a little about Personal Ceremonies compared to Group Ceremonies.

Social events and occasions lend themselves to group rituals with a larger number of people (say over 10-20) So do groups that have a lot in common. These tend towards Celebration or Commemoration Rituals.

They can be very personal ceremonies…very touching...very freeing…if the group is full of trust and knows each other well.

But the bigger the group…the less personal the ceremony.

A mass wedding ceremony of 5000 couples for an Indian Guru may be “powerful”…but it’s not the same…in meaning or experience as One Man…One Woman…One Ceremony.

Step 5: What Is The Tone…Is This A Celebration…A Cleansing…An Anointing…A Commitment Ceremony…A Renewal…A Letting Go…Adding Power to Your Life…Increasing Abundance

Never underestimate the importance of the Tone or the Mood of the Ritual.

Match the mood…the setting…the flavor…the words…the clothing…the scene…the setting…to what you’re trying to accomplish in the ceremony.

A Letting Go Ceremony that is based in Grief and Loss (letting go of loved one who died…divorce…loss of job) will command a more somber tone than a Letting Go Ceremony based On Celebration (Letting go of loved one who has died…divorce…loss of a job.)

Did you notice I used the same situations for examples here?

Why?

Because every Letting Go can be seen as either Grief or Celebration.

Often both. Not at the same time. But the Ceremony is first about Grieving…and getting that “out of the way”. And that’s followed by Ceremony of Celebration once the air is cleared and makes room for new beginnings.

There are many tones. Serious. Somber. Dedicated. Intense. Light. Light Hearted. Heavy Hearted. Goofy. Fun. Joyous.

Many ceremonies or rituals actually include a variety of tones. Just adopt your own.

Thanks,

Intuitive John

Do You Want To Learn To Trust Yourself and Your Intuition?

Is Your Dog Nervous And Anxious All The Time…And You Want To Help Him?

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The "Surrender Series" Part 2: The Definition of Surrender...Which One Are You?

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:03:30 -0800

“Letting Go” Part 2– Where We Discuss Different Definitions of Surrender

Yesterday, I started out talking about the different ways you can surrender your problems or your life. Not just the instruction "Surrender". But “How to Surrender- Surrendering Styles…What to Expect... The Problems No One Tells You …and How To Handle Them”

I realized a couple of things.

One, is we have different viewpoints or understanding of surrender. Like Philip Graves talks about when discussing Consumer Behavior, we have different experiences we attach to.

Or as David J. Parnell The Communication Expert points out...different perspectives and experiences create different meanings for people and we have to learn to discern those differences.

So I started thinking...what's the common ground for talking about surrendering yourself? Or "Letting Go"?

So here are different definitions of Surrender. Which one fits you?

1) To Relinquish Possession or Control to Another Because of Demand or Compulsion

To some people, surrender means "To relinquish possession or control to another because of demand or compulsion."This is really a form of forced surrender. You don't make the choice. It's made for you.

Like your boss tells you to do something...that's a demand. You follow it. (Let's not get into semantics here...the whole "you have a choice about everything" viewpoint. It's your Boss...you want to keep the income flowing.)

Or you have a compulsion, or craving, for something.

It can be innocent...Ice Cream.
Middle Innocent..."I have to date that girl" or "I have to be accepted by....".
Or Tragic..."If I don't have a drink right now I'll die."

But it's a compulsion talking. For some reason, you feel you don't have any control (Not True!) so you go along.

That form of surrender is not a conscious act. It's got some benefit to you. Keeping your job. Satisfying a craving. But that's not the kind of surrender I'm talking about.

Point 1: For surrender to be truly effective it has to be a choice you make. Moreover, it's a Voluntary choice or Redirection of Your Will.

2) To Give Over Or Resign Oneself To Something, As To An Emotion: IE Surrender Yourself To Grief

This is a little closer. You find yourself powerless over something. A situation. An emotion. A circumstance in your life. You've been fighting it...and realize you can’t win...so you surrender to it's power. Usually it’s not so much a conscious, thought out decision. It’s more of a convenient retreat.

This is what I would call "half choice". It means you are making the choice on your own...but you've been forced into it because you can't stand the pain anymore.

The difference here might be the level of pain.

For instance, you keep your job in #1 above. But here your job is soul draining agony...and the pain of staying outweighs the pain of quitting.

Or you might have chosen to stay with a mate in #1...but the relationship has burned itself out...and become so destructive that the pain of continuing to work it out is far more than you can stand...and you flee.

By the way…surrendering to a powerful emotion…Grief…Hate…Anger…and really feeling it can be very freeing. Many misguided therapists preach… you “Shouldn’t feel that way” and want you to deny your deep feelings. That’s a recipe for disaster. Or they tell you “Go show the person how you feel…express your Anger/Hate/Fill In The Blank” to others. Not such a good idea either. But you can surrender to it with yourself or a safe friend. (Not group!)

This would be the category that some Alcoholics fit in to. They are surrendering their problem only because it's causing them so much grief.

Point 2: Pain can be a touchstone towards surrender.

3) Capitulation: The Act Of Surrendering...Usually Under Agreed Conditions

Think White Collar Criminal here. "I'm caught. But I'm not going to give everything up. Let's negotiate".

Or f Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her Grief Cycles. She outlines the stages people transition through when they find out they're dying.

This would be her "Bargaining Stage" "Hey God, I'm dying...if you would just do this for me...I promise I'll do anything. Just let me live"

The point here is it's an act of desperation. You're forced into the corner...and some sort of surrender looks better than staying in the corner. Oftentimes it's a persons first time under real pain they haven't suppressed...and it's a natural half step.

Point 3: It's a doorway to Spiritual Surrender. And the way that most people are introduced to the concept of Surrender.

4) To Give Up Or Abandon Yourself...To Surrender All Hope

This would be what True Surrender is all about. It’s characterized by resignation and acceptance of despair.

Ouch. Sounds desperate. Oftentimes it is. Or born out of desperation. (Over time you learn you can surrender before you get to the desperate part…that’s a good thing.)

The difference is you leave yourself no escape route. There is no backtracking.

You realize that no matter what you do...you can't make things better on your own.

You have to rely on someone...or something...outside yourself...and make that leap of faith (or other kind of leap) that lets you trust other powers or influences can come into your life to help you.

Point 4: This is the Main Element of Spiritual Surrender...Leaving the safe path and learning to trust forces outside yourself.

Thanks,

Intuitive John

Do You Crave Finally Learning To Trust Yourself?

Is Your Dog Suffering From Nervousness and Anxiousness All The Time?

PS More Articles Coming

These different definitions can also be seen as different stepping stones...or entry point into Surrender. You might try on the different ways...and be led to others.

Whatever path you're taking...if your Intuition is telling you to Surrender...or learn more about surrender...I'll have several more posts coming on the topic...including...The Steps To Surrender...The 7 Different Forms of Surrender and Which One Will Suit You Best...and the Do I Really Need To Surrender Test.

PPS Surrender: What’s An Atheist or Agnostic To Do???

I alluded yesterday that the Agnostic or Atheist can get great relief from surrender too without turning to God. They can turn to some other form of outside power they believe in or trust. And it can work to a certain level because their conscious mind is directing their subconscious mind to start acting differently. By relieving their mind of the need to solve the problem they face...they open up their mind to letting their Intuitive Messages float in.

So they can "surrender"...still hold their beliefs...and get results.

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Intuition - The Practical Side of "Letting Go" - How To Do It!

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:17:58 -0800

How To "Let Go" Of Problems In Your Life - Practical Step By Step Answers

Yesterday I talked a little about the willingness to "Let Go" or "Surrender" parts of your life. Maybe even your whole life. I realized that I was talking about "What To Do". But left out the "How To Do"

You might already call on your Intuitive Powers to guide you into letting go. You may be part of a Church or Religion that has their own ways. Or you might only know the widespread use of the sign "Let Go and Let God"

So here's some basic Letting Go Guidelines.

If you hate the idea of God...or Religion...you might skip this post. It's not meant to be preachy as much as instructive. But there is some talk about that.

Letting Go Through Prayer

When I say prayer, I mean your praying to God for help and release from your burdens. The "I can't...you can"

You can also pray for Understanding and Wisdom. That can be very smart.

Wisdom moves you beyond the answer to your problem. Wisdom can give you answers to the big picture. Not the results of your self inflicted problems...but get to the roots.

If you don't believe in God...you can still do your form of prayer.

But you still have to pray to something outside yourself.

It might be your job. It might be a comic book hero you had when you're a kid. It might be to the God Of Logic. It doesn't really matter to me. But you have to look outside yourself.

You can't surrender yourself to yourself. That's like an Army surrendering to itself in a war. Doesn't make any sense.

So put your Surrender in the form of a prayer.

If you don't know a prayer...or have one...Google Prayers Of Surrender and find one you like.

It doesn't have to be long...or chest thumping. Quiet works just as well.

The point is you are turning the burden you are carrying over...away from you You are giving up control...desire...understanding. You are giving up control.

Don't take it back. Keep your mind focused...at least temporarily on the act of turning over. When you get dragged back into the same thoughts you were holding on to...turn it over again if you have to. (And you will.)

You Can Surrender Problems...or Yourself

The "Ultimate Surrender" is turning yourself over to some outside power.

At first, your definition of "Self" will be pretty limited. It will probably be in the form of whatever problem you're facing at the moment.

That used to be called a Fox Hole Prayer. That's when the soldiers in the heat of battle would pray...Get me out of this...and I'll do anything.

That's surrendering a problem.

And it works.

Surrendering yourself is more of a lifetime thing.

It might start with a problem. Then expand to include parts of your "ego". Then letting go of making decisions on your own...and trusting yourself in every situation. Ultimately, the goal of many people is to surrender everything...so that their life is a continuous stage of surrenders and Intuitive Instructions that they listen to and follow.

If you want to take a "prayer" that's universally used and recognized as masterful by many religions...you can look at the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi. Now he was supposed to have originated this prayer in the 13th Century...but there's a good chance it's just another Religious Myth.

The story is St Francis was rich...and gave it all up to become holy. That's fine. But I personally don't think you have to be poor to be holy. That's just me. He's the guy you see the statue of with all the animals and birds around him. (Maybe PETA should adopt him as their patron saint)

But no matter where the Prayer/Poem came from...it's still powerful.

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand, than to be understood;

to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

Amen.

Instructions: Say the prayer. Pay attention to what you think...how you fee...what your thoughts supporting or condemning the ideas brought up.

It's basically a laundry list of actions and beliefs to surrender and accept as change in your life to make you happier...and people around your happier too.

Forgiving Yourself Is A Form Of Surrender

It might sound strange. How can Forgiving Yourself be a form a surrender?

Acknowledging how harshly you treat yourself is f surrendering to the fact that you're really human...just like the rest of us can be.

So many people are raised harshly...and have never had the benefit of close friendship and understanding...so they adopt the "I have to be hard on myself" attitude. They don't know anything different. And every time they try to cut themselves some slack...they get dragged back into the Vortex of Self Contempt.

Instruction: Make a list at the end of the day of how you had hurt yourself by condemning yourself. Or you can do it as the thoughts come up.

I'm not talking about judging yourself appropriately. I'm talking about the "I'm such a stupid...." attacking yourself attitude. You know the difference.

Then surrender the feelings....or thoughts....or actions that you're holding on to.

First say, "Yes I did that"

Then say, "I react to it _______ this way ________"

And surrender to the feelings and thoughts that come along.

Don't fight the thoughts and feelings that come in.

If you're used to judging yourself...the thoughts and feelings will rush in...and normally you want to fight them...deny them...feel guilty about them...really a whirlwind.

But sit still and let them in. Let it be a form of meditation. Of guidance come to you.

But don't stop them.

Unresolved Thoughts create more anxiety in you.

It's better is some cases to not introduce certain thoughts into your conscious mind...if you're just going to cut them short. It's like adding fuel to the fire.

You bring the thought up.
You start reacting to it.
You push it back down.
The feelings don't change
The response doesn't change.
Your thoughts are pushed away...but don't change.

And now you feel even worse because you wanted to change...but didn't.

Ever feel that way?

If you've never forgiven yourself...you might be surprised how strong this experience is. Like turning into a crying baby strong.

You can also tip toe into it. Just think about one or two things at a time.

Or you can immerse yourself in it...take one of the weekend retreats or seminars that is structured to bring up a lot of this stuff in a safe environment. (It's like a huge mind and emotion cleansing.)

A lot of people start out unexpectedly at the wrong end of a bottle of wine...and their emotions start swelling up...and they finally can't hold them back anymore. It might start as self pity...but it can evolve to self forgiveness.

Thanks,

Intuitive John

PS My experience shows two things.

1) Prayer is a very personal experience. You can discover the power yourself. And keep it to yourself

2) It helps to have a short Pocket Prayer or Meditation that you can call upon when you need to surrender things quickly and regularly.

PPS I cut this short for today. Tomorrow will bring another 3 - 4 How To's if you're interested.

Do You Crave Finally Learning To Trust Yourself?

Is Your Dog Suffering From Nervousness and Anxiousness All The Time?

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Intuition - The Power of Letting Go & The Wisdom Of Surrender

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:47:57 -0800

Can "Letting Go" Really Work In Your Life?

Yesterday a comment was made by Dr Michael Roth that I would like to follow up on.

I was talking about fear. And how you can control your thoughts

He said..."Hi John,I question the idea of being in control. At this time in my life I am learning how to surrender rather than attempting to control."

Let me tell you why that caught my attention.

Most of what I've talked about up to this point is methods and ways to "control" or "direct" thoughts in your life. They are like mechanical applications that you can apply when life is tense...and you want to learn how to better use your intuition.

When I say "mechanical", I mean they are step-by-step, kind of formulaic. And they apply to the mechanical side of our nature.

It's like if you break your arm...here's the steps to reset the bone...put on a splint or cast.

What Michael brings up is the idea of instead of controlling things...you finally realize (or at least get a glimpse) that really you don't have much control over things in the first place...so why keep trying to control them?

Maybe I didn't say that right. It sounds like I'm saying "Give Up" or "Surrender" in the sense that "Since I have no control...why bother trying anything?"

You hear from lots of people. Only they dress is up as a "philosophy" so their fears win, but they can sound fancy about it. So what's the difference?

There Are Different kinds Of "Surrender"

One is "Surrender The Results": You want to do something...but you're getting incredibly anxious about it...so you "let go" of the results. You try to take on the attitude that "It doesn't really matter what happens."

Right.

The Buddhists preach this non-attachment. Nirvana is complete non-attachment. Maybe I'm not very evolved...but there are some attachments I like and pursue...and don't want to give them up.

Maybe I'm just being realistic...maybe I'm just being human. I'm not trying to win the "Richard Gere -Everything Is Wonderful All The Time Award" this year.

You can actually get to that state of mind. But it's not very easy at first.

You say you want to let go....but you don't really want to. You wouldn't be doing "it" in the first place unless you wanted a certain result.

I say there's nothing wrong with doing things expecting results

The "pain" comes when you don't get the results "you wanted". Or maybe, the pain comes when you don't get the results "you demanded".

Maybe the "pain" is a message that you're heading down the wrong path in the first place.

Maybe the "pain" is just a natural resistance you have to expanding outside the comfort zone you live in...and it's a good pain because you'll be a better person coming out the other side.

Maybe the "pain" is you didn't get enough sleep last night and you're in a low mood...and everything's a pain.

The practical application here is learning that Letting Go is an option you have.

If you've always been one of those people who pushed them selves through anything...maybe this gives you another choice you never thought you had.

And if this is new to you...remember it's a Choice. You don't have to take it.

As a matter of fact...I've known a number of people in my life who would't be happy any other way except pushing through huge obstacles. And they are very good at it. Sometimes they accomplish a lot. (Based on their idea of accomplishment.) So it works for them.

There's Room For Surrender In Everybody's Life

What works for them may not work for you.

And the only way to know how much of it will work for you...and how much won't...is to practice it.

The biggest barrier to Surrender in the Western world...is we think we are less perfect...or less manly...or not as good as the people we are comparing ourselves to....and quitting is not an option.

And when we "quit" we might be less than perfect. And we aren't as strong or courageous in some of the areas that other people seem to be gifted in. We're not all warriors. And the warriors are not all healers. We have to choose our "battles" and when enough is enough.

The Developed Intuition can be a big ally for you here.

How?

Part of letting go is giving yourself the time up front "before" you take action to listen to your Intuition.

It may tell you that the action you're taking is the wrong thing to do. So you can avoid the pain of forcing something you shouldn't be doing in the first place.

You learn to Listen Before You Act.

Your Intuition can also guide you through painful times. It may not give you help in "relieving" the pain. But it can help you endure with the strong sense that what you're doing is taking you down the right path.

You Can't Surrender To Yourself

When you practice surrendering your life...your actions...your will...it's always to something or somebody outside yourself.

And you learn more about yourself every time you try.

It's like the battle between good and evil. Do I surrender...or Don't I.

Custer said No! Where did that get him?

For those of you who have never tried Surrender...this might seem a little airy fairy. Or just a sign of weakness. That's fine. What you may not have experience yet is that when you give up...let go...whatever you want to call it...it often takes away a lot of the fears that have been holding you back.

You might change a lot as a person with that attitude. But don't be afraid. You probably won't.

What you find over time is you learn that things aren't nearly as certain as you want them to be. You may not stop fighting...but you sure learn how to recognize when you're banging your head uselessly on the door a lot sooner. Ouch. Fewer headaches. More time for things that really matter to you.

Just remember...you have the choice to try it on.

Thanks,

Intuitive John

Do You Crave Finally Learning To Trust Yourself?

Is Your Dog Suffering From Nervousness and Anxiousness All The Time?

PS As I was writing...I realized that I've been working with Surrender for a long time. I didn't come to it willingly. I was beaten down in some areas that I had no choice but to surrender. Later, it became the Wisdom of Surrender to me.

But having the experience, I also have a certain level of faith and familiarity in the process and the belief. And so may not be as clear as I intended.

So if you guys want...why don't you tell us about your experiences in these areas. I would enjoy that.

I'm always blown away by your thoughts and experiences.

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Intuition Dies When Your Fear Comes Up

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:03:37 -0800

Fear Destroys Your Intuition

Yesterday my friend Rob Northrup made a comment I would like to follow up on.

"Staying in control is the key to letting Intuition do its thing. Once fear and loss of control take over, it is hard to make smart decisions, and you need to get super-logical at that point...:"

Rob

He's absolutely, positively, spot on right.

If you are afraid...you can't make a clear decision.

Stress...strain...pressure...new circumstances...all eliminate any chance for peace of mind...and lead to poor decisions.

That's why I don't make any crucial decisions when I'm "Stretched Out"...in my Mind...my Body...or My Heart.

Three Levels of Decision Making

There are lots of different types of Thinking and Decision Making.
This one applies to Intuitive Decisions

Level 1 Clear and Easy Intuitive Answers

This is where you are relaxed. When your mind whispers to you...you hear it and trust it.

Level 2 Normal Stress Levels and Everyday Living

Here you may not hear your Intuition...but you know it's there.

My definition of a decision is one where you have to weigh competing factors...usually a new or unusual circumstance where yo don't have a lot of experience so you have to "figure it out.

When a Decision comes up, if you don't know the answer...you can tough through or figure it out. It doesn't come easy...and there is a certain level of struggle...but you have a relatively high level of confidence in your choice.

Level 3 High Stress and Anxiety

This is where "I don't know the answer"...I don't know what to think...It's very confusing...As soon as you think of one answer that might make sense...another opposite answer comes into your head..

Sound Familiar?

I call it Panic of the Mind.

And there is no way you can make a good decision when you're mind is Panicking.

Notice I'm not saying you can't make a good decision under pressure...or in a panic situation...but when your mind is in a Panic.

In can get so bad, you just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

Which isn't a bad idea.

The first question: Can your Decision be postponed until a better time...when your brain is calmed down...and when your mood settles down. Ask for a delay if you have to.

How To Harness Super Logic Without Killing Yourself

If you can't wait...then you go into what Rob calls Super Logical frame of mind.

For me...that's when I have to concentrate intensely...and try to bring all my logical powers to bear on the problem.

It's exhausting.

If I have to do that, I don't think with my head. I think it out by writing.

Ben Franklin Method.

Two columns. One Positive. One Negative. List out all the points on both sides. Supposed to give you more perspective on the solutions. Mistake is to think more answers on one side or the other makes it the winner. You need to weight the imporance of the answer too.

Edward DeBono's System.

Its' three columns. Plus. Minus. Hmmm

Labeling the columns this way takes away some of our built in biases.

For instance, the term "Plus" recognizes a positive attribute without the emotional baggage.

You fill in each column thoroughly before you move to the nexAll the Plus before you move on to the Minus.

The Hmmm you can add to anytime. It leaves room for odd thoughts...new ways of seeing things...and maybe whole new tangents.

The writing is important because it forces you to slow down your thinking...and writing somehow frees the subconscious mind to come up and add to the conversation.

The 20 Solutions To Sanity

Instead of listing pros/cons and such...ask yourself what you're trying to figure out. Actually write it across the top of the page..and then list at least 20 Solutions.

The first couple of answers will be obvious or simple. The magic comes as you write down more and more answers. Aim for at least 20. And don't be surprised if you do a lot more.

My experience is that you don't get 20 different good answers...but 2 -3 great answers....usually towards the end.

My experience is also that if I can just get away from the situation...mentally or physically...or a little while I can unwind to where I can think clearly again.

Much of the time the need to go into Super Logic isn't really caused by the thinking going on. Its more of a mood change. And if you get into a bad mood when you're "thinking"...it exagerates all the problems. Count on it!

And just as bad moods come in...you know they'll leave to. So give them the time to disappear.

Thanks,

Intuitive John

Do You Crave Finally Learning To Trust Yourself?

Is Your Dog Suffering From Nervousness and Anxiousness All The Time?

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Intuition - Fear Or Intuition

nobody@vox.com(IntuitiveJohnShoemaker) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:04:33 -0800

How Can You Tell If Your Intuition Is Talking To? Or Is It Your Mind?

One of the biggest problems people have is learning to distinguish between when it's their Intuition talking to you and when it's Your Fears talking to you.

They get confused...because they both seem to come from "Inside".

Both from "Inside"....Yes.

Coming from the same place...No.

The Intuition guides you.

The Mind forces you.

The Intuition talks to you in neutral terms.

The Mind talks to you out of fears and unrealities.

Keep in mind that the Intuition may be "neutral"...but that doesn't mean you won't be guided into rough areas...or tough areas.

People think that the Intuition means that everything will be easy...and free...and no stress.

What really happens is your life will be easier if you follow Intuition...and you will have more freedom...and ultimately have less stress.

But you don't avoid the pains of learning.

If you're interested in knowing more, listen to this link.

It's called "Fear Or Intution" by Rob Brezsny's at Free Will Astrology

It's an MP3 full of Wisdom and Insights...and done in a very calming, relaxing style.

So it relaxes you while you learn.

Thanks

Intuitive John

Are You Sick and Tired of Not Trusting Yourself?

Is Your Dog Nervous And Anxious All The Time??,

.

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